Written by Dick Clark, photos by the Pax
Clear, 25 degrees, snow on ground, cleared off pavement. 12 Pax: Aviator, Dos Equis, Scar 2K, Lafayette, Mountie, Redcoat, Mulligan, Milky Way, Black Hole, Cruiser, Brisket, and Dick Clark on Q.
Dick Clark’s midlife crisis includes wondering if he missed his calling as a comedian, so he tried his hand getting some Yuks from the Pax. He started out telling us, “Cold weather is serious stuff. Like I tell my kids: ‘It’s snow joke’”. It just went downhill from there. But first we did our warm ups:
Run in place
SSH x20
Circle arms
Stretch
Then we moseyed: a lap to the pavilion for fast guys, or straight to the pavilion for injured guys.
Thang:
At the Pavilion, DC got started with the cracks:
Did I tell you about the time I got hit in the face with a snowball?
Knocked me out cold.
Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
Then we got the first routine:
Air Squats 50
Big Boi Situps 40
Merkins 30
Bonnie Blairs 20
Burpees 10
Run to top of parking lot (.5 or 1.5 laps)
— —
Back to the jokes at the top of the parking lot:
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.
The we got into the second routine: “Call the switch: we assigned the exercises to different Pax, remember your exercise. 26 each. Fist guy calls out the exercise and keeps the count, then calls “switch” to the next exercise.
- Lunge x26
- Carolina Dry-docks x26
- Flutter (pairs) x26
- (Joke Break 30 sec) It’s snow joke, for example:
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing, it’s on the house.
You know my Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow?
If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.
Next Round of Call the Switch:
- Bobby Hurley x26
- Incline Merkins x26
- American Hammer x26
- (Joke Break 2 minutes) It’s snow joke!
Joe’s new Suit (Credit: Buddy Hackett)
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
But later, as he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36’.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.’
— —
Then we moved back to the pavilion in as comedic a way as DC could muster:
Broad jumps as far as you can,
then lunge walk,
then bear crawl.
— —
At the Pavilion:
Last joke: House Sitting (Credit: Buddy Hackett)
So my friend went on a vacation for a week and asked me to take care of his place for him. Everything was going fine, for the most part.
On the third morning he gave me a call and asked: “So how is everything going?”
“The house is fine,” I said, “but your cat died.”
“Wha . . .” *click* He hung up on me.
Later that day my friend called back and said, “Sorry I hung up on you. I was just so distraught. It really ruined my day. I wish you had given me the news a little more slowly.”
“How’s that?” I asked.
“Well, maybe you could have told me that my cat had climbed on the roof and wouldn’t come down. The tomorrow you could have told me you were trying to get him down, but he wouldn’t budge. The next day you could have said he’s not eating, then the following that he had died. At least it wouldn’t be so shocking.”
“Ok, sorry. Next time I’ll know better.”
He said, “it’s ok, I know you didn’t mean it. So how’s my mom?”
“She’s climbed on the roof and I can’t get her down.”
Last round:
- Dips x26
- 25s of Side Straddle Hops (4-count)
- Dips x26
- 25s of Imperial Walkers (4-count)
At the end, few were laughing—but let’s face it, they really weren’t laughing before. We finished the beatdown with the F3 Princeton “Boat – canoes” by Mountie, then our Cool-down stretch and Count-o-rama.
The Pax agreed that DC should keep his day job.
